Are You In A ‘Silent Divorce’?

Have you heard of the new term, ‘silent divorce’? It refers to situations where a couple lives and parents together, and to outside observers, their relationship seems fine. But behind closed doors, things are vastly different. If you recognise your relationship when reading the below, you may want to take action, either to mend or end your marriage. In the case of the latter, our Divorce Law Solicitors can help and support you.

What is a silent divorce?

The late Diana, Princess of Wales, was right when she said there are three people in a marriage. However, rather than Mrs Parker-Bowles (as she then was), as was the case in Charles and Diana’s union, a relationship consists of three entities, namely you, me, and us.

In a silent divorce, the balance swings in favour of you and me, and there is little, if any, us. A couple experiencing a silent divorce may have separate hobbies, interests, and daily lives. The physical and emotional elements of the relationship have disappeared, leaving two people who are more like flatmates than spouses.

A silent divorce does not happen overnight; it is the product of many months or perhaps years. You may not even recognise that you are in a silent divorce situation.

What are the signs of a silent divorce?

A silent divorce can show itself in many ways because every relationship is unique. As Family Law Solicitors, the most common signs we see are:

• Separate lives – A couple experiencing a silent divorce are often like ships passing in the night, with little interest in being available to catch up with each other and socialise separately.
• Apathy – although constant fighting is toxic to a marriage, apathy is also a relationship killer. People in silent divorces often feel emptiness and don’t care what their spouse does, says, or feels.
• No intimacy – a healthy marriage includes physical intimacy, such as holding hands, touching, etc., and emotional intimacy, such as talking about each other’s hopes and dreams. In a silent divorce, intimacy of any kind is normally absent, as is laughter and the simple pleasure of being together.
• Little communication – couples in a silent divorce don’t talk to each other beyond the necessary communication required to keep the household running and meet the needs of their children.

If you are experiencing a silent divorce, you may feel incredibly lonely and emotionally disconnected.

How does a silent divorce affect children?

You may think that because you and your spouse are not shouting and screaming at each other, your children don’t know your relationship is in trouble. Unfortunately, children are incredibly attuned to their parent’s relationship and are likely to recognise something is wrong. Because it is difficult for children to understand the nuances of adult relationships, they may express their fear and confusion through anger, anxiety, or getting into trouble at school.

Why do people stay together through a silent divorce?

There are several reasons why couples stay together despite there being no emotional investment or return in their marriage, including:

• They believe staying together is better for their children.
• One or both partners cannot afford to move out.
• Neither partner can admit the relationship is in trouble.
• They do not believe in divorce.

The above list is by no means exhaustive. Every person and relationship is different, and no one should judge you for staying married.

How can I mend a silent divorce situation?

If, after reading this, you recognise your own relationship, the first thing to do is be kind and compassionate with yourself. Sometimes, couples grow apart, and no one is at fault. If you want to change your situation by fixing your marriage, you may find it helpful to seek professional help. A good place to start is by contacting Relate, a charity that helps people resolve relationship conflicts.

You may decide that you want to leave your marriage. If this is the case, it is crucial to talk to an experienced Divorce Law Solicitor who can advise you on matters such as dividing your finances and making arrangements for your children.

Being in a silent divorce can be extremely painful for everyone in the family. Getting professional help and support can help you move forward, either separately or with your spouse.

To talk to us about getting divorced, please call 024 7664 1642 or fill in our contact form.